I Hope You Kept Your Fat Pants

We all have two sets of clothes: the clothes that fit now, and the clothes that are a size too small that we intend to fit into again someday. Well, I hope you've also got some of your old "fat pants" laying around somewhere, because you're about to need them.

I usually leave the cooking to the professionals over at Where the Hell is My Spatula? but this recipe is too good to keep to myself. And here's the best part: it's embarrassingly easy. Like, your guests will be super-impressed and they'll be begging you for this recipe, TRUST, but you won't want to give it to them because it's so simple it's almost profane.

Desserts this delicious and beautiful should be harder to make! This recipe is so easy and idiot-proof it almost feels like cheating.

Get in on the secret after the jump!



First and foremost, I have to give credit to my lovely friends Jamie and Michelle for A) making me aware that these apple tarts were even a thing, and B) being in the trenches (my kitchen) with me perfecting and testing this recipe.

Oh delicious, nutritious apple.
When I'm done, you'll only be one of those things.

What had happened was, they were at a local Scottish festival and there was a booth selling these beauties. They each purchased and then destroyed their tarts, afterward declaring that these were SO GOOD OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS. They wanted the recipe, but didn't have one. So they reverse-engineered the finished tarts and determined that they consisted of apples, pie crust, cinnamon and sugar, butter, some sort of cream cheese spread, and a light caramel sauce. But the amounts and ratios were unknown.

After much experimentation, here is the final recipe...

Fat Pants Apple Tarts (working title)

Serves 4
Calories: All of them. All the calories are in these.

Tarts
4 large granny smith apples, peeled and cored
4 tablespoons softened butter, divided
1 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon cinnamon
2 packages ready-made pie crusts (4 total crusts)

Cream Cheese Spread
1 package cream cheese, softened
1 cup powdered sugar
1/4 cup milk
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Smucker's Caramel Sauce

Directions
Preheat your oven to 400.
Line a baking sheet with foil or parchment paper, set aside.
Peel and core your apples.

Bring your pie crusts to room temperature and unroll on a nonstick surface. Place them on your parchment-lined baking sheet and spread a little butter over the middle of the pie crust.
Mix your granulated sugar and 1 tablespoon cinnamon in a small dish.

Put your apple in the middle of the crust and put a tablespoon of butter in each apple hole. Put 1/4 cup cinnamon-sugar mixture in each hole, and then bring the pie crust up around the apple and smoosh it all together at the top.

Place on your baking sheet and bake at 425 for 30 minutes or so. Keep an eye on your crusts; you don't want them to get too dark.

Meanwhile, combine your cream cheese, powdered sugar, milk, cinnamon and vanilla in a medium bowl with an electric mixer. Add additional milk if needed until the texture is smooth and the cream cheese is thick yet pourable. I don't know if that makes sense.

When your tarts are done, place them in dessert dishes.

Spoon some cream cheese mixture over them, then drizzle with your caramel sauce. Serve it to your guests and BLOW THEIR MINDS.

DISCLAIMER: If you or your guests should die of spontaneous bliss while eating these tarts, Crafty Butt and its affiliates will not be held liable. ENJOY AT YOUR OWN RISK.